Easy Street. .

Or so I thought.

I suddenly had a thought over dinner tonight, it was one of those thoughts that will now haunt me and this is how it started.

We walked into town today to take the pug for a walk and so the girls could do a bit of pokemon and to pick something up for tea. As we were approaching town little one asked to go to the coffee shop and get a chocolate crunch. I explained that we didn’t have the money to do this which resulted in mini tantrums. Big one then asked why we were going to town if we didn’t have any money and weren’t going for coffee and why were we going to buy pizza for me (and the hubby) if we had no money? I didn’t think anything of it and we ended up getting a bit cross as they had both caught a Pikachu and now that moment was being tainted by attitude.

That was that and we eventually got home and the afternoon carried on. They played and argued, hubby played on his xBox and I painted (my new hobby).

I got the kid’s dinner first as they aren’t that fussed with pizza and then we sat down to ours and it was then that the thought crept into my mind.

What if the kids, mainly the big one as she is more aware now, think ‘they’ve just said we don’t have any money and now they are buying pizza for themselves’. The hubby poo pooed it straight away and said “but it’s food”. I agreed but at the same time I said it was unnecessary food, luxury food. Should we have thought instead of spending £7 on pizza let’s take them to the coffee shop? 

Altimately that wasn’t what bothered me. 

What bothered me was that I’m not sure we do enough anymore. The easy option is always well, easy! It’s too easy to expect them to entertain themselves and get on with it whilst he plays the XBox and I paint and then to moan when they argue and the house is a mess. It’s too easy to tell them to turn off their electronics and do somethings else, that might involve us (God forbid). It’s too easy to stick the tele on. I’m not saying these things are never ok but I’m saying that we personally have stopped making the effort. I said to the hubby I can’t help but think if we gave a little bit of actual time to them who knows what response we would get, maybe they would be more ready to listen and comply. He didn’t really say much but I could tell he was thinking maybe I was right but he also said he didn’t think they, mainly the big one, would be interested as her tablet and everything else is more important.  I disagreed, so I said we’d put it to the test.

Here’s what we did:

Without saying anything I set both tablets up on the table ready to go and I went and got the box of lego. I said I bet within 2 minutes they would both be over joining in and wouldn’t even look at the tablets on the table. He scoffed, that was it challenge accepted.

Still without saying a word we both sat down and started building. Literally within seconds little one bustles over “what are you doing? Can I play with you”? She sits down and starts building. Big one took a little longer, to be fair she was watching the end of her program and it was only minutes but sure enough over she came (straight past the tablet) and starts building. I sat there rather smug but at the same time feeling so guilty that my fear was infact true. I even pushed it a bit further and said to big one that her tablet was there if she wanted it to which she said “no I want to play this with you”. We sat and played for probably a good 45 minutes even though it was getting close to bedtime and do you know what? I even enjoyed it and the difference in them after just 45 minutes of our time was mind blowing.

I decided to write about this not to make you other mummies and daddies feel guilty like me (oh the guilt) but to just remind you that it’s not too late. Try it, try just putting aside a bit of time for them and just them with no interruptions. Actually sit and take it all in and listen to them. I felt so happy but at the same time so sad that somehow moments like that have been lost. That life gets in the way. It’s always “in a minute” “not right now” “I’m busy “.. you know the drill.

It has made me realise that we do the best for them with what’s essential. We feed them, clothe them, do homework etc but what do we do for them beyond that.. That’s the question I asked myself and I was ashamed at my answer. I am a good mummy, I know that and I do a lot for my children but do I do enough of the things that really matter? I appreciate that week days are always hard and most days are one big mad rush but that should make weekends even more precious. Take time for them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s never too late to make a change. Make things count. Make the time you have together count. You’ll find it’s the smaller things that will make all the difference.

Our children are precious, even though they drive us insane at times, and they deserve more.. Well mine certainly do, so I am going to try and give them something back and by something I mean time. Time is precious and priceless and so are they.

Dry as a Bone!

What I’ve learned after being alcohol free for 7 days (yes 7 days and yes I am bat shit crazy!)

1. I am definitely more hungry than usual and by this I mean my dinner portions this week would probably have fed the whole Street!

2. This. Week. Has. Dragged it’s heels like a MoFo! I literally mean it feels like I’ve lived a year this past week!

3. It’s b-o-r-i-n-g! I feel like a little bit of me died inside. Bring back fun, crazy, dance round the kitchen whilst burning the dinner, fall asleep on the couch by 9pm Mummy any day!

4. I have noticed nothing else.. nout!

5. I am questing why I did this to myself..

#ilovegin 😂

Disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic nor do I promote accessive drinking. Drink responsibly, if you can’t find a glass a straw will do! 😉

Goodbye 4, hello 5..

A note to my soon to be 5 year old.
I cannot believe you are turning 5 tomorrow. I have so many mixed emotions and I think I am actually struggling with it more than I will ever let on. You see, you are my baby. My sweet, kind hearted, determined, caring, loving and oh so cuddly baby.

You make me laugh every day, your little sayings and quirks that make you who you are and you are growing up so quickly. I wish that time would stand still sometimes. When I glance out the window and see you swinging barefoot on the swing or playing in your own little world and singing, you love to sing and the knowledge of lyrics you have amazes me and I just wish that time would stop.

You are taking school all in your stride, we’ve had a few moments but nothing too bad and nothing that you cannot handle. I miss you every day and every day I look forward to you running out the door arms open wide with your cheeky little smile on your face. We  walk hand in hand whilst you eat your orange, every day without fail and I ask you about your day. Sometimes you don’t want to tell me what you did, which is ok but other days you tell me everything.. I long for those days.

I guess what I am saying little one is, although I wish I could pickle you and keep you just the way you are I am also so incredibly proud of you and the young lady you are becoming. 

Happy turning 5 day, the world is yours little one, go get it!

Ungrateful..

I know I should feel grateful but tonight, right now.. I feel so fucking ungrateful. 

I do not understand what we ever did so wrong and what we did to deserve this I really am at a loss.

I sometimes wonder how we survive. Our love and marriage must be so strong, one of a kind infact, to withstand this bollocks.

Tonight I am not grateful I am so bitter and so full of ungratefulness I don’t know what to do with it all. I am so angry inside and I am in complete and utter despair as to where it can possibly go from here.

What I do know is something has to give or it will one day go so far that there is no turning back to what it once was.

I pray that there will one day be light at this very dark troubled tunnel and I hope, I wish, so hard that that day will come soon when we finally see it before its too late…

All time low..

It’s started again with the big one at bed time. I don’t understand why it has to be so difficult or what we did to deserve it or her and they way she treats us and the hold she has over us. 

It wasn’t enough that she was in our bed from the off, she just kept going and going until things came to an ugly head, until she woke her younger sister and until me and the hubby came to blows.

Something has to give, to change otherwise this family, my family will be ripped apart at the seams.

If you met her, you’d think I was lying. You would look at me in disbelieve as she is the most caring, loyal loving kid but she changes like when a vampire needs to feed or if you’ve fed gizmo after midnight. She gets abusive. Verbally and physically and she pushes you to the very edge and has no problem or remorse when she eventually pushes you over…

Then you are falling uncontrollably into the dark. It gets darker and darker as do your thoughts until you can’t see anymore. You are then out of control yourself and nobody can stop it.

It still isn’t enough, she’s still pushing you even though she can see you are broken and every time it happens it takes another bit of your soul and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like she’s made a deal with the devil and there is no turning back.

I’m frightened of death that I will end up loosing her completely, she will grow up and just leave and think what a shit childhood I had. The only saving grace is afterwards she acts like nothing has happened, almost like she changes back and has no recollection of what came before..

Not ready..

Today was a significant day for me. It marks my last day where the little one is truly just mine as tomorrow she starts her journey at school.

I have tried to prepare myself for this day, actually that’s a lie. I’ve tried to block it out all summer and when the thought crept into my head it was quickly replaced with something else. I am not at all prepared to let her go.

I promised myself I would give my girls the best summer and I think I have succeeded. There have only been two maybe three days where we were ripping our hair out and screaming at each other we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have a few of those but I can honestly say I have had the best summer with them and I think they have too.

I am putting a lot on the little one as I need her to be strong as I am falling apart inside and if she crumbles I crumble and I’m not sure I will be able to pick up the pieces. I am going to miss her terribly, both of my girls in fact. We have been the awesome foursome for six whole weeks. Just me, my girls and the pug. We have had chooky eggs together (our name for dippy eggs and soldiers) most days and the big one has found a love for them like me and now there will be two empty seats. I know I will have to fill my time pretty quickly.

Tonight as I tucked her in I read the book that I bought her sister when she started school. It’s a Charlie and Lola book called I am simply too small for school. I gave her extra big cuddles, reminded her of when we used to give each other Eskimo kisses. She whimpered in her sleep before I left the room but I hope she is dreaming good dreams.

I am praying that tomorrow goes smoothly. I have two pairs of shiny new shoes by the front door, two bags ready to go and name tags have been sewn.

Today marks the end of an era and I am so totally, undeniably not ready to let her go.

Happy 9 Years..

Yesterday marked our 9 years of marriage and we celebrated in style!

Being midweek meant no babysitter or over night stay at the inlaws so we just had to crack on and make the most of it!

Burgers, wine and beer you can’t go wrong really. We sat together whilst the kids played outside (don’t worry I fed them before!) and the pug flitted in and out barking in protest that he was not offered burger on his menu. It wasn’t the best situation and we had to shout over the kids screaming and pug barking but hey we were together and we have survived 9 years so who gives shite, that we toasted to!

Things have been tough at times, real tough but somehow we make things work. I truly believe he is my soul mate and we will be old and wrinkly still sat eating burgers and listening to RNB classics together. Hopefully the kids will have grown into respectful young ladies and the big one will have grown out of sharing our bed with us every night (although at this moment in time it feels like that day will NEVER come).

The big one was a humongous ass at bedtime and really upped her game so by the time the hubby got back downstairs we watched an episode of tele and then ventured off to bed, to separate bedrooms kissing each other goodnight on the landing. 

We still keep the laughter alive, sometimes my favourite part of my day is the 10 minutes we have in the bathroom goofing around whilst cleaning our teeth, the belly laughs come in force as we try and muffle our laughter at something so ridiculous but at that moment is so hilarious and it’s these moments that keep us going. Life is pretty crap sometimes but you have to suck it up and make the most of it or it will eat you up and spit you out.

Happy 9 years my man, you are the one that makes my heart beat, the one that makes me smile and the one that looks at me and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world.

You have my heart forever and here’s to many more years of burgers!

The best things in life..

Today I realised something that I kind of knew before but tonight as I was cuddling the big one to sleep it was really brought home to me..

Today was a pretty chilled day. The girls played a bit of Minecraft in the morning and after we had chooky eggs together it went off (I have found this a happy medium). They didn’t want to get dressed so I didn’t fight them on it. I half heartedly thought about doing something today but I thought actually we could probably do with a chill day so again I didn’t push. We danced to music whilst I tidied the kitchen and they were flitting in and out the back door. 

I looked into the back garden and I thought do you know what I’m going to set them up with some toys outside. So I grabbed a blanket, put the cloth on the table, put the umbrella up and got some cushions. I went upstairs and selected a few boxes of toys and all the little bits and bobs they like to play with and as I was taking it outside big one asked what I was doing to which I just said I thought maybe you could play. Do you know what they did, all day, they sat and played in their own little world for hours (we did pop out to Currys to buy a new kettle as ours had packed in but thats all we did). They had lunch outside whilst playing and then late afternoon they built some pretty awesome statues on Minecraft before tea.

To be honest it really wasn’t much at all but it was what big one said to me just before she fell asleep.. She said totally out of the blue “Mummy I’m happy”. I told her that that was a lovely thing to say and I asked what made her say it. She said she had just had really good day, that it was really fun and because of that she was happy. 

In that moment I realised that it really is the simple things in life that make the world a happy place. You don’t need bags of money or to do lavish things every day. As long as you make an effort and you have each other thats all that matters. All my children needed today was a few old toys, a blanket and imagination. She hasn’t really commented on any other day of the holidays so far. That’s not to say she hasn’t appreciated the other things we have done but today, for her, was just that little bit more special that it warranted her to tell me so.

Crocodile mum..

I had a moment yesterday that I could still cry about now and it opened my eyes. It wasn’t entirely my fault but ultimately it was.

I’d been busy with doing the shopping putting the shopping away and giving our home a long overdue clean.

The kids were pretty good to be fair, entertained themselves and were “friends”.

My kids have this knack that no matter how much I think I have thought ahead and got them settled with whatever they need I can almost guarantee that as soon as I sit my bum down with a hot coffee one of them – usually the little one – will need something. There will be some minor detail that I have forgotten and nothing irritates me more. You could actually argue that it is my own doing as I will always hop straight to whatever it is they need instead of making them wait 5 god damn minutes but hey it is what it is.

This particular time I had set them up and they were occupied and I was walking, hot cup of coffee in hand, towards my spot on the bench in the sunshine. I had just parked my bottom and then little one says in her slightly whiney voice “mummmmmm, mummy”… Cue me, with a big tut, “WHAT? What do you want now”? I looked at her just as she reaches me and then she stretched out her little hand that held a green gummy bear (they had sweets to keep them quiet) and she said “here you go mummy, I know they are your favourite”.. Oh god the guilt, the absolute regret that I hadn’t just replied with my usual “yes darling”. I took the sweet and thanked her. I gave her a big squeeze and I apologised to her profusely a million times, yet despite her “that’s OK mummy” it just wasn’t enough.

It still cuts through me like a knife. I was too snappy and quick to fire and I literally cannot stop thinking about it. I guess I have learned a big lesson. I know that nobody is perfect and we aren’t super human but to try and remember to just hold back before being the crocodile mummy just incase my little girl is holding out another green gummy bear.

Today was a better day..

Today actually went swimmingly, apart from one little blow up which was quickly resolved and one “I’m bored” statement from big one due to not having access to Pokèmon Go! 

I also resisted the urge to reach for the gin so I’d say win win all round!

Go me!!